Breaking Free from Judgment: Embracing Authenticity in a World of Expectations

When I was growing up, I secluded myself from people because I believed myself to be socially awkward and just did not like being around them. As time went by and I began to age, I realized why: people were just very judgmental, and they believed they knew everything about you before they even had a conversation with you. Not only are they judgmental, they are also pretentious. As a result, when my mom told me the story of how they had to pry me from her womb during my delivery, I realized why: I just did not want to be a part of something so toxic. Can you believe that! Just as the baby reacted in Elizabeth’s womb when he heard Mary’s greeting (Luke 1: 41-45), it seemed I was reacting from the womb to what I had sensed and heard, and I just did not want to be a part of that. Imagine being afraid to enter a world because of the energy it gave off in the womb; that is just a scary thought…if only I could revert to my fetal stage to gain a better understanding of why I went hiding, what did I hear, what did I sense, what caused my obvious fear of entry into my new reality. Oh, was I going to find out! 

School after school, class after class, I was told I could not do it. Why, though? I was too young…but I showed them. In pre-K/basic school, my teachers thought I could not read as I was too young, and at my age, I should not be able to read. Well, my mom taught me how to read while my other siblings were going to school. Being the last of six – having five elder siblings – five years apart from the fifth sibling, the oops child as I call myself, I was expected to match up to the achievements and behaviors of my elder siblings. My early years of life were just filled with judgments and comparisons and boxes to stay in because this is what society says I should be. Who gave them the right? The audacity of them trying to tell me who I was to be – the last time I checked, they were not my Creator! As a result of people’s constant bickering and “know-it-allness” – yes, I made that word up – I decided to stop speaking and start observing everyone that came into my space to ensure that their energy was the right one for my space, call it selective mutism if you wish. In the same breath, I decided to let anyone who dear to try and question my behavior have it with the full force of Tena’s wrath; no holding back. You did not, dear, try and disturb my silent space with your negative energy, or you will be ripped apart without question.

Primary school was chaos and high school … OMG…these teachers were so full of it. One teacher told me that I would never accomplish anything; this was someone who was to nurture and build up my self-esteem and confidence. Yeah right! Just know because of the box society places you in if you are not like “them,” you cannot or should not accomplish anything. Well, my mom never raised a quitter or a believer in failure. She raised me to know who I am, who I am, and my worth. When my teacher told me that nonsense, it was her way of refueling my engine to prove them all wrong. 

Why can’t you be like your sisters, you are nothing like her or her or them…constant comparisons and judgments; “seven brothers, seven different minds” Here I am a unique individual and you want me to be like someone else – not even my Creator wanted that. He made us in His image and likeness – not exactness. He created twins to look alike, but he also gave them individuality…now if twins were created with their personalities, why do we want people to look and act alike? That is not natural. Really? What right do you have to want to tell others how they are to be? If only I was a filthy mouth, limited vocabulary individual I would certainly give them some of those words. I just want to know why being yourself is so hard.

Everyone wants to be something they were not created to be. Boys want to be girls, girls want to be boys, humans want animals to be their children, mothers want their kids to be their friends, robots want to be humans, and humans want to be robots. Where is all this confusion coming from? Let’s not even get into the appearance part of this debacle…put those stones down. J

Now, the one place where I figured I would have the most support and could find persons who were truly understanding was the place I got the least support and felt the most misunderstood – drum roll please – yup, you guessed it, THE CHURCH! 

Every opportunity that was open for them to ridicule, judge, cast judgment, form opinions, speak “the truth,” compare, ostracize, punish, deliver, spread rumors, make pronouncements, speak negativity into my spirit…child, that was where I got it. It was as if the leadership and the varying cliques decided that they were not about to follow God’s commandments or His promises for me; they were working with the box that society created for me to sit in. The more I trusted my Creator and hungered for His continued strength and covering, the more they tried to break me and mold me, not into the image of God, but the image men wanted me to be, and the more I fought to keep me. I fought my hardest battle in the church, but I was certain of the God I served and the promises He had made to me; He would not lie. The Ten Commandments pushed me daily, and that is what helped me get out of the clutches of those individuals who tried to box me in.  

Then it was on to University! Gladly, my sisters and I had different names at this point, so there was no load of comparison, but as soon as they found out about our relationship, they were ready to compare, and I just shut down that lie. So, let’s say undergraduate studies were the beginning of a new frontier of my life, and I was my happiest self then. I went to graduate school and things then became even clearer. What changed, Tena? I realized that:

1. The choices I made were mine to make, and who I was was not always who people wanted to see.  

2. People are always afraid of the unknown

3. When you are not easily led, people lose control, and that loss of control causes them to be angry with you. It is really not you, it is them!

4. People believe that only their thoughts are true and that whatever you have to offer is not acceptable if it is not aligned with society’s box of acceptable behaviors

5. My culture does not dictate who I become

6. My past does not determine my future

7. My power comes from within/the universe, and I am the ruler of my destiny.

8. My socialization is my stepping stone to what my future will become.

9. I am not different; I was created special

10. I am designed to think openly and not be led solely by the thoughts of others

11. My power is evident even in my silence 

12. What others see when they look at me is my power, which causes them to be uncomfortable

13. I am not an introvert, I am an observer

14. I am not heterosexual, I am human

15. I am not tall, I am elegant

16. I am not sexy, I am a woman

17. I am not my body, I am my heart

18. People’s actions or words cannot define me unless I allow them to

19. Judgement from others shows their shortcomings and their desire to be like you

20. God/My Creator is my ultimate judge, so what others think of me is…you fill in the blanks

I could go on and on and on… bottom line is, people will always be who they are. People believe that if you are not walking in line with the status quo, there must be something wrong with you, and they start with the labels. People continue to show their side of themselves, which society wants to see. So, they post false photographs of themselves living lavished lifestyles, having expensive vacations, buying only brand name clothing, eating the most exotic foods…trying to fit into the societies box; as a result, when you do not pretend to do all those things, they place you in stereotypical positions. Why is she living so simply? She works enough to be lavish…no, I work enough to make me comfortable, not to make you comfortable. I work enough for me and my family to reap the benefits from it – not for me to try and impress you. I live my life for God…not to be judged by you.  

• You are too skinny, you are too fat,
• Your butt is too big, your butt is too flat,
• your breast is not big enough; your breast is too big
• You look fake, you do not look fake enough,
• You should have freckles; you have too many freckles,
• You need longer lashes, your lashes are too long
• Your hair is too curly; why did you straighten your hair
• Your lip is too thin, your lip is too full

WHAT! exhausting…PLEASE YOURSELF! Live to make yourself comfortable! Nothing you do is ever going to be enough for people, however, once we are following the commands and guides of God, it is enough for Him. No matter how you change and no matter how you remain the same, people are always going to be judging you, pretending to be something or someone they are not, and have nothing positive to say about you irrespective of how positive you show yourself to be. This is no lie.  

People, forget about them! They are going to be who they are no matter what you do and how you try to make them happy. Even Christ, who came and died for our sins, was not able to please people. No matter what He did, those He worked to deliver by being crucified – giving His life – were still not pleased. They ridiculed Him and continued being pretentious, judgmental, and toxic. Why do we believe that things are going to change if we change ourselves to please people? No, get over them! They will never change, you can only change who you can control and that person is YOURSELF. Live for you and to please yourself and your Creator. Let no human gain such power that they can dictate who you will be. Be the YOU God created you to be. Be the YOU God is guiding you to be. Only God should change you and only God can. Why is it so hard to be yourself? 

It is so hard to be yourself because you care more about what people think of you and less about what you think about yourself or what your Creator think about you. Your views of yourself are guided by the views of the world and not the views of the creator of the world. Let Him direct your path, let your desires be aligned with His desires. It is that simple…do the will of your Creator and being yourself will become a easier.